I have recently gone through a large amount of pain and heartache. I was betrayed by my two “best friends.” For 3 weeks I was stabbed in the back and lied to by two of the people who meant the world to me. I was hurting inside and out and being slowly ripped apart. The pain was visible yet they continued to go behind my back and feed me lies. The night of December 3, 2010 was a horrific night but as I sit here and think back to that appalling night I now see it was a time of realization and a time to begin to move forward.
It is now December 23, 2010. Twenty days later, I continue to struggle. I have made progress but there is still a long road ahead of me. I have shared my story with friends, family, a doctor and a therapist. You see, I have fallen into a state of depression. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 I overdosed on medicine. That night I could not see how I would make it through the hurt and pain and wanted to end it. Thankfully, Lindsay, a close friend of mine called my parents. Knowing that I have people like Lindsay in my life has helped me change my thoughts and has led me to a road of recovery. I have such a loving support system behind me. I now run to those who will lift me up but I still hang on to those who have brought me down. Why do I do this when I know it’s not good for me?
I have been told over and over to let them go; that true friends wouldn’t do what they did to me. I was told, “A clean break heals faster than a fracture.” Though this is true, I think back to all of the good times we had. Movie nights, Wii nights, eating out, goofing off, spending time together doing nothing. The 3 amigos. Inseparable. Do the good times outweigh the bad? How do you cut the line between the people you spent four months with doing everything together? Would I really be better off without them in my life? I have all of these unanswered questions running through my mind. I don’t know if I should listen to my head or my heart. What I do know is that I am the only one who knows what is best for me. I can listen to the opinions of every person in the world but not one of them knows exactly what is best for me, only I can make that decision. But what is the right decision? If I continue to hang on to them, even through all the pain they have caused, does that mean I still want them in my life? Or am I hanging on because I’m scared?
Why is it that we hang on to things/people we know we are better without? This was my best friend, Jordan’s, response, “We still hang on to those we're better without because we still have that hope and desire that they will turn into things that will be better to have and we’re also afraid of what it will turn into when we actually have to proceed without them.” So why am I hanging on? This is such a deep question with so many answers that I can’t simplify it to one answer. I hang on because: I love him and I love her. I spent so much time with each of them. I care about them. We’ve been through so much together. They were my best friends. We did everything together. They were my life.
As I read my answers to why I am hanging on I notice something very important; I use past tense. They “were” my best friends and we “did” everything together. Does this show that I am slowly moving on without them? In life we learn that people come and go. Some people will be your friend for a lifetime while others are only there for a short while. I now face the decision of whether I am better off with or without them. I know that in order for me to move on I have to forgive them but forgiving them doesn’t mean I have to keep them in my life. They have left their mark in my life and to be honest they have only created a stronger and better Britni Danielle Dunlap and for that I thank them but the way they treated me is completely unacceptable.
I have learned that you have to let go of people even if it is hard. Life isn’t easy but through the trials and tribulations you only become a better person. The hard times in life serve a purpose even if you can’t see it at the time or understand why it is happening. There will always be unanswered questions and sometimes you may never understand why certain things happen but you have to move forward and let go of the past. You must hope and live for a better future. You only live once so don’t waste your life wondering “what if.” Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and who will support you in any situation. Respect those who respect you and leave those who don’t behind. Life is tough, but you are tougher. Learn and grow from every mistake you make and look at everything in a positive way: You are who you are, be proud of yourself.
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