You ARE Good Enough

It has been almost two months since I posted my last blog. I came across some challenges as I attempted to write a blog to post. I have numerous drafts saved to my computer that remain incomplete. I became so overwhelmed with thoughts, ideas and feelings that I would start a blog and I felt that it was so random that it wasn't good enough to be posted.

Now, as I sit here at 11:00 on a Friday night all alone in my dark dorm room watching basketball I see three words in the above paragraph that should not cross my mind: "Wasn't good enough."

Let me tell you, this was not the direction I expected this blog to go but to be honest I don't think a blog should be planned out; it should be the true thoughts and feelings; something from the heart.

In my life there have been so many times where I have told myself that I wasn't good enough or the effort I put into something wasn't good enough. In different situations in school I look back and remember those projects, especially art projects, where I told myself over and over that it wasn't good enough. I remember in my beginning years of playing sports telling myself that I wasn't good enough to play, that I didn't belong with the athletes, that I would never be good enough to compete. I remember thinking I didn’t do good enough on this assignment or on this test. I didn’t do good enough to make my parents happy. I didn’t do good enough to satisfy my teacher. I remember not only did I tell myself I wasn’t good enough but there were times where others told me I wasn’t good enough.

Sitting here thinking about all the times and situations where I have thought or been told “you’re not good enough” makes me sad. Do you realize how many ways there are to tell someone they “aren’t good enough?” Think about it…sports. For every sport there is some kind of try out. What happens when someone doesn’t make the team? Isn’t that saying, “You’re not good enough to be on this team?” What about clubs and organizations in middle and high school? There are so many expectations and requirements to join certain clubs that the ones that are turned away are told in a more subtle way that they aren’t good enough to be a part of that club or organization. This thought is pounded in our heads in so many ways that it’s hard to think you’re good enough for anything at times. This “not good enough” saying even applies in the college years and even later on in life. Colleges have expectations that must be met to be accepted into the school so what does it mean if you get turned down. Are you not good enough? What about when interviewing for jobs? What if you don’t get the job? Are you not good enough? This phrase even applies to dating. What happens if you get turned down when you ask someone out on a date? Are you not good enough? I think you get the point. There are so many situations where “I’m not good enough” can cross our mind that it may lead some of us down a road of loneliness and low self-esteem. But, you ARE good enough. In fact, you are BETTER than just good enough.  

Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're not good enough for something. Don’t let yourself think you’re not good enough. Let’s be honest, we have all been turned down in some way but that does not mean we weren’t good enough. The way I see it is I am me and if someone doesn’t like that it’s their problem. We can’t let the thoughts and opinions of others affect our thoughts about ourselves. People will be people and they’re going to try to tear you down; it’s part of life. It’s not the best part of life but you can either fall to that level of thinking or you can rise above and be proud of who you are. Take pride in yourself, your skills, your strengths, your weaknesses. Yes, your weaknesses are something to be proud of; they are part of who you are. Accept them, learn from them, and make them better because by doing so you are only making yourself into a better person. A while back I found this quote, “Cling to your imperfections; they are what make you unique.” Each and every one of us is different. We all have imperfections; be proud of them. We are all unique and should not be ashamed of who we are.

Remember, you ARE good enough as long as you are yourself. Life is short. Take pride in who you are. “Live every moment. Laugh every day. Love with all you have.”

Communication Is the Key

I have friends who know absolutely every little thing about me and I have friends who barely know me the slightest bit. I’m closer to some family members than others. In life, there will be people with whom you are closer than with others. So what is it that allows you to become close with a person? What is the key that makes any kind of relationship work?

I have a simple, yet, complex answer. Communication. Communication is what allows you to become close with a person and it is the key to a healthy relationship.

Throughout school we learn that men and women communicate differently. A man can say one thing and a woman interprets it as the complete opposite. A woman can also say something and a man takes it the wrong way. We learn that communication can cause chaos in a relationship.

When communicating, we tend to “attack” the other person. We don’t do this on purpose but this is what leads to an unhealthy relationship. If communication is the key, how can it also be the thing that can tear a relationship apart?

I have people in my life who are hard to approach. They are hard to talk to. I feel that if I were to talk to these people they would automatically judge me. So what do I do? I completely avoid talking to them about the things that need to be talked about. They are close to me but they hardly know me because I am afraid to talk to them, afraid to let them know the true me.

I tried throughout my childhood to open up to these people. Time and time again I was told I was wrong, I was judged and I was shot down. I became quiet and isolated. I bottled up my thoughts and feelings inside. I beat myself up over the smallest things. After being shot down so many times I stopped trying. I mean what is the point in trying to talk to someone if they aren’t really going to hear what you have to say? What is the point if you’re only going to get judged and shot down?

These thoughts overwhelmed me but I was taught to never give up. So, now as a 20 year old I am working on communication. Don’t get me wrong, I know how to communicate but sometimes communication is difficult. There are some people who make you automatically put up a wall of defense and you shut down.

Where do we go from here? How do we communicate with those who cause us to put up that wall? First of all, we must be strong. Nobody is too scary to approach. Fear is a thing of the mind. Fear is conquerable which means communication is possible with anyone. Yes, even that one person you have been scared to approach up to this day.

Here’s how you do it. Communicate using “I” statements. One of the reasons it may be hard to communicate is because the other party feels as if he is being attacked. When having a conversation it normally turns into, “You made me mad,” “You did this,” “You did that.” This kind of conversation is putting the blame on the other person and causing them to feel as if they need to speak up and defend themselves. Before long there is either an argument or there is no more talking. In order to have a healthy relationship we must learn to communicate using “I” statements. “I feel,” “I think,” “I” need, etc. are good ways to get your thoughts and feelings out when approaching anyone especially those who are hard to talk to.

Now, choose that person who you really want to talk to but find it rather difficult. Give using “I” statements a chance. If you want a better and healthier relationship with someone remember to communicate, communicate, communicate but be sure to do it in the correct way.

Do Not Hide Any Longer

Over the weekend I was reminded just how much each and every one of us keeps from a certain person or multiple people. When we are upset and have had our feelings hurt instead of telling the person they hurt our feelings we decide to keep it to ourselves and suffer. Why do we do this? We obviously know that we should talk to the person but it’s like we are fearful of what may happen. We know that if we don’t say anything then it may happen again and again, yet we still “hide” our feelings.

I am guilty of hiding my feelings especially when someone has said something that really hurts. Why do I allow myself to become overtaken by the words from someone else’s mouth? Why do I allow myself to be affected by the negative words? More importantly, why do I fail to tell the people how they have made me feel? Is it because I am afraid? Is it that I am intimidated? Is it because I would rather suffer than stand up to someone?

Not only have I hid my true feelings but I have seen others do it as well. Just this past weekend I watched a loved one be hurt by the words of another loved one. Instead of sharing how she was hurt with the person who said the words she kept it to herself until she shared it with me.  I was greatly affected by this situation because I have been in her shoes. I felt terrible and disappointed in myself because if I would have shared how the person had hurt my feelings then maybe, just maybe, I would not have had to watch my loved one go through so much pain. I comforted her and told her she needed to be strong and stand up and tell how she was hurt because if she didn’t say anything the person would not know any better and it would continue to happen.

I have been able to share my thoughts and feelings with the people that should know except for one important person. He means a lot to me but I still cannot find enough strength in myself to talk to him. It may be a mystery as to why I will not talk to him but the answer as to why may be deep down inside of me and I know why I won’t talk to him.

So think about it. Who do you “hide” from? Does the same person hurt you over and over? You need to stand up for yourself no matter who is hurting you whether it is a parent, sibling, family member or friend. Remember that you are strong and by sharing how you have been hurt will make you feel better. Don’t hide and suffer, share, learn, and grow closer to the people who say/do things that hurt your feelings.  

We all have that one person who is extremely hard to talk to. I wish I could go right up to the person and say everything that has been on my mind my whole life but I don’t. I lay in bed at night thinking about what to say and when the time comes when we are together I somehow talk myself out of it. I, just like you, need to be strong and not afraid. We can do it. We can keep others from getting hurt. It takes one step at a time. The first step is the hardest but know that it gets easier. So don’t hide anymore. Tell how you feel because you may not get the chance if you keep waiting and waiting.

I am not just guilty of hiding my feelings but I am guilty of hiding from myself and others. We all make mistakes and sometimes feel ashamed but we should no longer hide. We need to give all of our problems and mistakes and place them in the hands of the One who gave his life for us. Don't hide the true person you are. Be proud of yourself and learn from your mistakes in the past. If it was a mistake, it's in the past; move on. Learn from your mistakes and make a better future. Don't hold your pain inside. Be willing to share with others; you don't know how many people can relate to your situation. Share with others. You may save or impact someone else's life.

To anyone who hides behind a smile

To anyone who holds their pain inside

To anyone who thinks they’re not good enough

To anyone who feels unworthy of love

To anyone who ever closed the door

Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don’t have to hide

You don’t have to hide anymore

You don’t have to face this on your own

You don’t have to hide anymore

So come out, come out, come out wherever you are

To anyone who’s tryin’ to cover up their scars

To anyone who’s ever made a big mistake

We’ve all been there, so don’t be ashamed

Come out, come out and join the rest of us

You’ve been alone for way too long

And if you feel like no one understands

Come to the One with scars on His hands

‘Cause He knows where you are, where you’ve been

His scars will heal you if you let Him

It's the Journey, Not the Destination

        Life is full of beauty. Life is full of pain. Life is full of paths, hills, valleys, mountains, tunnels, rocky roads and smooth roads. Life is full of much more than what can be taken in in a quick glance. Life is full of so much that we normally fail to see. We wonder why things happen. We wonder why things are the way they are. We spend life wondering because we are always in such a hurry.

        When you go on a trip you are always worried about getting to your destination as soon as possible. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe by rushing you are missing the most important part of the ride?

        In life it is not about the destination, but instead it is about the journey and how you get there. It’s not about getting there as fast as possible or what is there waiting for you. Life’s journey offers each and every one of us a chance to learn not only about life in general but about ourselves personally. We aren’t going to remember our destinations but we will remember the journey. We may not remember every place we have gone but we will remember the eleven hour car ride singing Jason Aldean laughing because we try to harmonize or the beauty passing by as we look out the car windows: trees, mountains, valleys, rivers, horses, birds, clouds with the sun rays shining through. We will remember the times with family and friends, going on adventures, getting lost, and finding small treasures that we will keep forever. We will remember the laughs and the tears, the happiness and the pain, the gains and the losses.

        Without our journeys in life we would not be the people we are today. The journeys in life bring good and bad, achievements and mistakes, joy and hurt. All of these shape us into who we are today. Some parts of the journey are tougher than others but we have to stay strong, learn and grow from it, and keep pushing on through the journey of life.

        In my journey of life I am currently climbing a mountain. I have fallen to the valley in my journey and am making my way back up to the top. I have learned so much from my stay in the valley. I have learned relationships are built on a foundation of trust and when that trust is broken the relationship is shattered. I have learned no matter how many times I fall I will be strong enough to get back up. I have learned we find out who are true friends are when we go through bad times. I have learned some people only come into our lives to use us and bring us down but we have to be one step ahead of their game. We have to be thankful for the lessons they have taught us and know that the pain they have caused us only makes us stronger and in the end it is their loss, not ours. I have learned I have so many people standing behind me supporting me in any situation in my life. I have learned some people cause us to change who we really are and make us lose sight of our true selves. I have learned the ones we become the closest with are the ones that hurt us the most. I have learned once you love someone you will continue to love them but sometimes it’s in your best interest to let them go. You will love them the rest of your life but you can and will, with time, learn to live without them. I have learned I am a lot stronger than I think I am. I have learned no matter how much you know a person people change. I have learned to look at the positive in every situation. I have learned a negative attitude only brings you down. I have learned how to smile, laugh and cry but most importantly I have learned how to be myself.

        So, my dear friend, where are you at in your journey of life? Are you going through a tough time down in the valley or are you at the top of a mountain facing the dangers of life? Are you working your way up a mountain or going down a rocky road? No matter where you are in your journey, remember you are not alone. You have so many people that love and care for you and you are a strong person. You will make it through whatever it is that you’re going through. You will learn and grow from every experience and situation you take on. You will become a better and stronger person with every tear you cry and every laugh you laugh. If you don’t know where to begin, take a small step. Every step you take will give you strength and before you know it you will be moving along in your journey of life. You will find your happiness and reach your destination but take your time. Why rush through the most amazing opportunity we have been given? Everyone’s journey of life is different, are you living yours to the fullest?

Seeing Is Believing, Believing Is Seeing

                Today I had the opportunity to spend some time with two of my younger cousins, ages six and two. I babysat them for two hours but in those two hours I not only learned about myself but about life as well. I learned that I have forgotten how to have fun, how to put all my worries aside for a few minutes and enjoy the good in my life, how to play. Through the passing of years, we take on a lot of responsibilities and stresses. We forget what life is like through the eyes of a child. Do you remember how excited you were as a child on Christmas Eve or even when you made a huge accomplishment? We, as adults, can learn so much by spending time with young children. They are full of excitement, enthusiasm, wonder but even more importantly, they believe. Children not only believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy but they believe in themselves. As we grow up we forget what it is like to believe in all of these.

                With it being the Christmas season I have been thinking about the importance of believing, not only during the holiday season but throughout life. As young children we believe in Santa Claus but over the years we stop believing. Santa may in fact not exist but what or who does it hurt to believe? In life we go through times where we may not believe in something but there are others things in which we strongly believe. As a Christian I firmly believe that there is a God. I may not have physical evidence that He is real but I know He is there because I believe.

                There have been many times in my life where I have lost belief in myself. I was reminded today while babysitting just how early we learn to not believe in ourselves. How many times and at what age do we begin to hear young children say, “I can’t do it”? But as a child we have parents and other adults instantly reassuring us that we can in fact do it. Children’s disbelief in themselves is so easily fixed and turned into “I can do it!” As adults our disbelieving attitude is harder to change. Why is that? Are we afraid? Why is it so hard to look at situations as if the glass is half full instead of looking at it as if it were half empty? Where has our negative outlook on life come from? Is it too late to turn our thinking around?

                No, it is not too late to change our thoughts. I am currently working with my therapist on my outlook on different situations. Depression is not easily understood by many but through my depression I have trained my brain to instantly think of the worst in any situation. I have told myself over and over the past months that “I won’t get through this,” “I can’t do it,” “These feelings of sadness will never end,” “All I ever do is make mistakes.” I have lost the aspect of believing in myself. I have begun to tell myself “I will get through this,” “I can do it,” “These feelings of sadness will soon go away and I will find happiness,” “I have made mistakes but I have grown and learned from each and every one of them.” I am beginning to believe in myself again. What a wonderful feeling! Some situations in life cause us to lose belief in ourselves but it will be found again. I have such a strong support system behind me. Knowing that each of them believe in me and believe that I will succeed makes my belief in myself that much stronger. When we come together and believe we create something amazing. The power of belief is a very strong thing. We must believe in ourselves as well as in others. “The strongest single factor in prosperity consciousness is self-esteem: believing you can do it, believing you deserve it, believing you will get it.” We can do anything we put our minds to, we deserve the very best in life and we will get what we deserve but only if we believe. I challenge you to look at every situation you are faced with in a positive way. Train your brain to think down a path of believing and positivity. Leave the negative thinking behind and live life with a new outlook.

                So let me ask you something. Will you be a believer this holiday season and next year and the year after that? More importantly, will you believe in yourself with each and every step you take in your life whichever direction that may be? Will you believe in yourself in the good times and the bad? Will you believe in yourself through life’s struggles? I will end with a quote I found: “We all have our own life to pursue. Our own kind of dream to be weaving…And we all have the power to make wishes come true, As long as we keep believing.” I know I believe.  Do you believe?

Merry Christmas!

Lies and Letting Go

               I have recently gone through a large amount of pain and heartache. I was betrayed by my two “best friends.” For 3 weeks I was stabbed in the back and lied to by two of the people who meant the world to me. I was hurting inside and out and being slowly ripped apart. The pain was visible yet they continued to go behind my back and feed me lies. The night of December 3, 2010 was a horrific night but as I sit here and think back to that appalling night I now see it was a time of realization and a time to begin to move forward.

                It is now December 23, 2010. Twenty days later, I continue to struggle. I have made progress but there is still a long road ahead of me. I have shared my story with friends, family, a doctor and a therapist. You see, I have fallen into a state of depression. Wednesday, December 8, 2010 I overdosed on medicine. That night I could not see how I would make it through the hurt and pain and wanted to end it. Thankfully, Lindsay, a close friend of mine called my parents. Knowing that I have people like Lindsay in my life has helped me change my thoughts and has led me to a road of recovery. I have such a loving support system behind me.  I now run to those who will lift me up but I still hang on to those who have brought me down. Why do I do this when I know it’s not good for me?

                I have been told over and over to let them go; that true friends wouldn’t do what they did to me. I was told, “A clean break heals faster than a fracture.” Though this is true, I think back to all of the good times we had. Movie nights, Wii nights, eating out, goofing off, spending time together doing nothing. The 3 amigos. Inseparable. Do the good times outweigh the bad? How do you cut the line between the people you spent four months with doing everything together? Would I really be better off without them in my life? I have all of these unanswered questions running through my mind. I don’t know if I should listen to my head or my heart. What I do know is that I am the only one who knows what is best for me. I can listen to the opinions of every person in the world but not one of them knows exactly what is best for me, only I can make that decision. But what is the right decision? If I continue to hang on to them, even through all the pain they have caused, does that mean I still want them in my life? Or am I hanging on because I’m scared?

                Why is it that we hang on to things/people we know we are better without? This was my best friend, Jordan’s, response, “We still hang on to those we're better without because we still have that hope and desire that they will turn into things that will be better to have and we’re also afraid of what it will turn into when we actually have to proceed without them.” So why am I hanging on? This is such a deep question with so many answers that I can’t simplify it to one answer.  I hang on because: I love him and I love her. I spent so much time with each of them. I care about them. We’ve been through so much together. They were my best friends. We did everything together. They were my life.

                As I read my answers to why I am hanging on I notice something very important; I use past tense. They “were” my best friends and we “did” everything together. Does this show that I am slowly moving on without them? In life we learn that people come and go. Some people will be your friend for a lifetime while others are only there for a short while. I now face the decision of whether I am better off with or without them. I know that in order for me to move on I have to forgive them but forgiving them doesn’t mean I have to keep them in my life. They have left their mark in my life and to be honest they have only created a stronger and better Britni Danielle Dunlap and for that I thank them but the way they treated me is completely unacceptable.

                I have learned that you have to let go of people even if it is hard. Life isn’t easy but through the trials and tribulations you only become a better person.  The hard times in life serve a purpose even if you can’t see it at the time or understand why it is happening. There will always be unanswered questions and sometimes you may never understand why certain things happen but you have to move forward and let go of the past. You must hope and live for a better future. You only live once so don’t waste your life wondering “what if.” Surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and who will support you in any situation. Respect those who respect you and leave those who don’t behind. Life is tough, but you are tougher. Learn and grow from every mistake you make and look at everything in a positive way: You are who you are, be proud of yourself.